I feel it coming on already. I’ve learned to recognize the subtle symptoms, after years of experience, where in the past I didn’t even notice I was in the throes of it until afterwards. Like being in the middle of the woods, you don’t see the forest for the trees until after you’re out. The lack of energy, difficulty concentrating, total lack of motivation to do anything except get drunk, becoming completely withdrawn from friends, family & loved ones, being emotionally unavailable to those who mean the most to me, turning into a solitary hermit, irascible moods with a short temper and even shorter patience, all signs that I’m beginning to experience seasonal affective disorder, or as it’s more commonly, and very appropriately, referred to, it’s acronym, SAD. I feel not only changes to my emotional state, but my physical body as well. I develop a near insatiable appetite, with relentless cravings for the worst possible foods, filled with fat, salt, and sugar, all preferably delivered with a hearty dose of carbohydrates, to a level that no amount of pizza or sweets could satiate, as my body tries to pack on winter weight, preparing for the hibernation that won’t come. My normal negative and pessimistic outlook toward life is escalated to a near ludicrous degree. The morose feelings of hopelessness and pointlessness are ever present, constantly weighing me down like a heavy wet blanket that cannot be cast off. All this, and the seasons have just begun to change. It’s barely the beginning of fall. But to me, the first day of fall might as well be the middle of winter. As soon as the temperature begins to drop, and the days begin to get shorter, something inside me is triggered, something uncontrollable, like the changing of the seasons themselves. This is a depressing thought to a total control freak like me, just one more thing in life that I feel powerless to change. It’s a strange thing to feel your self so greatly affected by the seasons, in the same way that the tides are dominated by the gravitational force of the moon’s orbit. I am not cut out for the short, chilly, grey days of the winter months. Things seemed much more tolerable in the summer, with the long, hot, brightly lit days, and the sun’s warmth to elevate my moods. But those times are fleeting, and I’m already feeling overwhelmed by the change of the seasons, even though the worst is yet to come.
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